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geordie_racer · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 11:08 am Post subject: two quick "jokes"

[1] Imzamam Ul Haq has confirmed that he and the rest of the Pakistani team are givjng up cricket to concentrate on bob-sleighing

[2] the truth is out regarding the bust up between Steve mcLaren and wayne rooney after the israel game. Apparantly Wayne took no objection to most of the criticism the manager was giving out after the match but got shirty when mcLaren alleged that he couldnt score in a brothel
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lochsong · Group Performer Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 10026

A man calls to his wife from the bedroom ‘Honey come and look at my clock’

The wife goes in and her man is standing there sporting a huge erection.

‘That’s not a clock’ she says and he replies …….

‘It will be when you put two hands and a face on it’
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theGoingStick · Site Admin Joined: 21 Nov 2006 Posts: 17146

shamardal84 · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 7:22 pm Post subject:

man goes into a chippy with a cod under his arm

he says to the bloke behind the counter
"do you sell fishcakes?"

bloke behind the counter says
"sorry mate we dont"

the man says
"oh thats a shame, its his birthday"
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johnnio · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 7:54 pm Post subject:

lochsong · Group Performer Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 10026

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the telly and said to his wife ‘Quick, bring me a beer before it starts’ She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it he said ‘Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start’
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone he said ‘Quick get me another beer before it starts’
‘That’s it’ she blows her top – ‘You ,! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer . Don’t you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??’

The husband sighed and said, ‘Oh shit, it’s started’
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shamardal84 · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 8:21 pm Post subject:

"Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first one turns to the other and says, 'I think I've lost an electron'. The second says in surprise, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive'."
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lochsong · Group Performer Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 10026

Q. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a gorilla?

A. I don't know but if it talks you'd better listen!

I'll get me coat....

LS
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JDFUNKY · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 8:29 pm Post subject:

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?

A wonkey!

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shamardal84 · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 8:33 pm Post subject:

Those last two jokes need to be deleted before too many people actually read them.
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lochsong · Group Performer Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 10026

What do you call a fish without an eye?

fsshhhh

OK I'm going....
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shamardal84 · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 8:37 pm Post subject:

johnnio · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 9:16 pm Post subject:

Ok, here goes:

Q: What do you have, if you've got one green ball in one hand and one green ball in the other?
A: The Incredible Hulk's full attention.

Q: What do you get hanging from cherry trees?
A: Sore Arms

Q: How many holiday reps does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: 5, one to change the light-bulb, the other 4 to organize a trip to go to see it.

Q: Why aren't there any Anadin in the jungle?
A: Because the parrots eat them all.

Q: Why should you never wear Russian underpants?
A: In case Chernobyl fall out.

Q: Why should you never eat a Lebanese curry?
A: In case you get the Shi-ites.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How are you supposed to breathe through that?

Q: What did Van Gogh say when he was offered a glass of wine?
A: "No thanks, I've already got one 'ear"

That's all I can think of for now (I'm sure you're glad to hear).

johnnio · Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 2:05 pm Post subject:

Watching Lee Evans last night on The Comedy Channel, and thought this was great gag:
A porter walks into his hotel room and says "Mr Evans we have a fax for you", "Oh good", I says, "what did it say?"
"EEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee!!!" said the porter.

Jimbob · Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 1:20 pm Post subject:

I went to Russia over the weekend.

I knocked on the door of the kremlin and when someone answered I asked "Is len in?"

I'll get me coat

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