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Four jockeys are on their way home from the Grand National when the Ford Focus they are travelling in is hit by a lorry. The car bursts in flames and they all die.
One of the jockey's trainers is informed that his jockey has been killed and he needs to go down to the morgue to try and identify him - he is warned that all four jockeys are very badly burnt and hardly rocognisable.
Inside the morgue, they pull back the sheet on the first body.
"No, thats not him," said the trainer.
They pull back the sheet on the second.
"Nope, thats not him."
The third.
"No, that aint him either."
After pulling back the sheet on the fourth and final body, the trainer says "yep, that's the useless sod."
The mortician said, "that's amazing: these bodys are burnt to a crisp, and yet you have identified your jockey just like that, how?"
And the trainer said, "he has been my jockey for 3 years.....and he's never in the first three."
A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered... _________________ WE ARE NOT STRANGERS, JUST FRIENDS WHO HAVE NEVER MET.
Location: Cheltenham (5 min walk from Prestbury Park)
Posted: Wed Jun 24, 2009 1:10 pm Post subject:
Papa 3 wrote:
WHY COULD THIS NOT BE A TRUE STORY?
The local paper had the headline “Man dies in church during Sunday Sermon”
On Sunday a man and his wife went to church as they have always done, the man sat in the pew in front of his wife who sat next to her friend. During a long sermon and on a hot summer’s day the man fell asleep. He started to dream about the French revolution and being an aristocrat. He dreamt that he was arrested and sentenced to be guillotined, at the instant that the guillotine fell, his wife, tapped him on the back of his neck to wake him up as the sermon had finished....he died instantly with the shock.
If he died instantly, how do we know what he was dreaming about?
The local paper had the headline “Man dies in church during Sunday Sermon”
On Sunday a man and his wife went to church as they have always done, the man sat in the pew in front of his wife who sat next to her friend. During a long sermon and on a hot summer’s day the man fell asleep. He started to dream about the French revolution and being an aristocrat. He dreamt that he was arrested and sentenced to be guillotined, at the instant that the guillotine fell, his wife, tapped him on the back of his neck to wake him up as the sermon had finished....he died instantly with the shock.
If he died instantly, how do we know what he was dreaming about?
Exactly - 10 out of 10.
_________________ WE ARE NOT STRANGERS, JUST FRIENDS WHO HAVE NEVER MET.
I'm looking forward to the "where do they bury the survivors" one next... _________________ Geordie_R
"A should of known there mum was buying banana's"
I'm looking forward to the "where do they bury the survivors" one next...
My lad likes telling that one to anyone who will listen.
He also likes the one were there was a plane crash and every single person got killed yet 2 people survived?????Why
MT jnr _________________ THERE ARE 2 RULES TO SUCCESS. RULE 1)DONT TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOU KNOW
I'm looking forward to the "where do they bury the survivors" one next...
Thought you would like - How many Geordies does it take to change a light bulb? Why Aye dinna know man. _________________ WE ARE NOT STRANGERS, JUST FRIENDS WHO HAVE NEVER MET.
A scuba diver gets arrested for having sex with a cod. His wife is furious, "How could you do this to me, that's it, we're through, I'm divorcing you!"
"Ah well", says the husband, "Plenty more fish in the sea".
Two Welsh farmers were rounding up sheep when one of the ewes goes wild and runs into a fence, getting his head stuck in the process. The 2 farmers look at each other and smile. "This is too good an opportunity to miss", says the first farmer, who unzips his fly and goes hard at the ewe for 10 whole minutes. When he finishes, he turns to the other farmer and asks "Do you fancy some of that?" "Too right!" says the other farmer who frantically pulls down his trousers and shoves his head in the fence.
On a train journey during the war in one carriage there was a German Officer,old lady, young girl and a resistance fighter. The train passes through a dark tunnel, there is the sound of a kiss and then a large smack. When the train comes out of the tunnel the German Officer has a huge black eye. These were the thoughts of the occupants.
German Officer - that lucky young sod, he kisses the girl and I get smacked in the eye.
Old lady - that was very brave of that young girl slapping that German Officer like that after he kissed her.
The Young Girl - strange, why did the German Officer kiss the old woman and not me.
The Resistance Fighter - great, kissed the back of my hand and then punched the hun in the eye and got away with it.
_________________ WE ARE NOT STRANGERS, JUST FRIENDS WHO HAVE NEVER MET.
A humble looking man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ...and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be... I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Italy, South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California. There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ ______ ___
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ ________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. _________________ Cocktails may not be the answer.... but they help you forget the question Vodka... Cheaper than B otox and paralyses more muscles!
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
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