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‘Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear
‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s’
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.’
Last edited by lochsong on Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:18 am; edited 1 time in total
Man walks into a pub and spies another man sitting at the bar with a pint, a lamp and a huge razor.
After the man orders a drink he enquires to what the lamp was.
'A genie lives in it but he only gives one wish'
'can i have a go'
'Of course, but you do only get one go, so make it a goodun'
The man rubbed the lamp and the genie appeared.
'You have one wish master, what is your desire'
'I want a million bucks'
'Your wish is granted'
The next minute, the door opens in the bar and in waddle a million ducks.
The man's jaw drops and looks at the man holding the oversized razor who is sporting a huge cheesy grin.
'Well you dont think i really asked for a 12 inch Bic did you'
=============================================
A man goes into the delivery room and holds his wifes hand as she is about to go into labour with their first child.
The midwife says she has a wonderful machine that can transfer labour pain from the mother into the father.
The man agrees to this and, at first 10% of the pain is transferred. He looks at his wife and then nods to the midwife 'crank it up to 50%, i cant feel a thing' The midwife does this and the wife relaxes even more. The husband then says 'tell you what, give me the lot. I have had worse headaches than this. The midwife puts the machine to full transfer and the wife gives birth not long after.
As the wife has had no pain and the husband has felt nothing bad, all 3 are allowed home straight away where upon arrival they find the milkman lying dead in front of their door.
Boom Boom
MT jnr _________________ THERE ARE 2 RULES TO SUCCESS. RULE 1)DONT TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOU KNOW
An Atheist was walking one night through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
This american lady must be very poor, with only 2 cents, you think her boys would give her some money, ungrateful toe rags. _________________ WE ARE NOT STRANGERS, JUST FRIENDS WHO HAVE NEVER MET.
A Zoophile, a Sadist, a Necrocophiliac and a gay man are in an overcrowded jail cell, they're all staring, trying to intimidate each other. The Zoophile, speaks up first:
"I'd love to bring a cat in here, pin it down and shag it senseless." The Sadist thinks for a second and says, "I'd take that cat and torture it to death". The Necrophiliac says "I'd take it's corpse, and shag it endlessly".
A few minutes later, the gay man in the corner says, "Miaow..."
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded,
"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have
you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion
I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest
nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the
rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement
of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that
is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi,on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said......
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs.
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The man nodded: 'I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on that 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No it was all that f***ing skipping. _________________ Winner Galway 2008 Comp
Winner Cheltenham Comp 2009
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming...'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s*ite out of the lawyer and says,
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
A woman is in court for stealing a tin opeaches. The judge says "i'm sentencing you to 4 months imprisonment, one month for each peach in the tin".
As the woman is being led away to begin her sentence, her husband shouts from the gallery "hang on your honour, she stole a tin of peas as well". _________________ Oh why did you do it, have you not the guts to say. You said it was an accident, or even a ricochet
A woman is in court for stealing a tin opeaches. The judge says "i'm sentencing you to 4 months imprisonment, one month for each peach in the tin".
As the woman is being led away to begin her sentence, her husband shouts from the gallery "hang on your honour, she stole a tin of peas as well".
In 1993 the American government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason the head was larger was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French government decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the women more pleasure during sex.
Canada , unsatisfied with these findings conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day; when the priest asked how much he owed the barber refused payment saying "You do the work of the Lord">
Thenext day the Barber found 12 Bibles on the doorstep/
The same day a policeman came in for a haircut and again the barber refused payment saying "You protect the public". The following morning he found 12 doughnuts on his doorstep.
Later that day a lawyer came in for a haircut. The barber again refused payment saying "You serve the justice system, protecting the citizen from tyrrany"
The following morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut _________________ Geordie_R
"A should of known there mum was buying banana's"
dear john + edward,
your ability to win over the public + even simon cowell has made me look up to you,i hope you may be able to share your secrets with me,you are crap week after week but keep surviving,i am in a similar situation and need your help and advice
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